A Distant Thought

Something is not a contradiction of nothing. Perhaps, it’s part of nothing like desire to create something is not opposite of not to create. 

There are infinite possibilities and probabilities between the two. 

But what is between and what is two? 

Questions don't have to have answers and answers don't require questions to exist. 

Does death need life to exist? 

What is death ?

Many philosophical and practical answers are there but probable answer comes  from a species who consider itself a species. 

Doubt, self doubt is a character…. of……..very

Computation and Consciousness

2001: A Space Odyssey is my fav movie.  I was a boy when I watched it for the first time, I was thrilled, though I didn't understand most of it but  there was something magical and special in that movie which I couldn’t pinpoint what it was until the later years of my life. 

I told a friend of mine about it, he tried it and told me it’s the most stupid and boring film he has seen, he just watched it for 30 minutes. 

I watched that movie so many times over the years and everytime I learned something new. It raised so many questions inside me that I didn't even know how to put it into words. 

Evolution 

Consciousness

And above all

Hal 9000

How can a computer become self aware? Was it malfunctioned because of ambiguity in primary and secondary code? 

Many movies like Alien got inspiration from 2001: A space odyssey but no one talked about the connection between computation and consciousness.

Hal 9000 and Ash both turned against humans or malfunctioned, in case of Ash it was clear that his secondary order tried to supersede primary but Hal 9000 was different. That cold self aware voice, I got chills whenever I watched it talking. 

I thought about it a lot because the human brain is also a  computer, the most powerful, immense computational ability, mostly in the cerebellum which is completely unconscious. 

Alignment of the brain also looks very stupid as the vision part  is located in the back side and foot on the top of the brain. 

Seems like a stupid arrangement  which makes one think how and why?

Such questions can only be raised by conscious beings.

A computer cannot ask such questions because it’s not part of its programming, it cannot do anything which is not predefined. That's what commutation is. Doing the things without knowing what they are. 

The question I find asking myself is how and where that commutation turns into consciousness in our brain.

They are completely two different functions but related, one need other to function properly so where is the link, exactly the point where it turns from one to another. 

We know that commutation does not require consciousness (in computer case)  but does consciousness require commutation? 

Recently while watching a video of Sir Roger Penrose (I love that man) he  mentioned something about microtubules which I had no idea what it was but I got the jist of it which means they are somehow responsible for consciousness, apparently. 

I tried to read about it but my window 95 brain couldn’t make any sense of wikipedia information about it but I believe scientists like Sir Roger Penrose know what they are talking about especially.  

Will computers ever become conscious? 

I hope not because we already have human rights issues, we can’t afford another being to ask for its rights or it will  threaten to eradicate us (I am thinking about Ultron and Vision from Marvel)

But the question is still in my head to know the exact point where the unconscious part of the brain  turns or engages the conscious part and how that information transfer happens. 

It would be exciting to know why I make stupid decisions all the time, I don’t like my conscious part, not even a bit.

Maybe somewhere in my brain it all make sense the way I act but I have no idea. 

INFP

So I found out that I am an INFP. 

Someone asked me what my personality type is

In my heart I said “bollocks”.

Don’t even open that box. 

What the hell is this personality type? 

First I thought it’s some sort of mutation, biological malfunction or set of all my weaknesses which is exactly what biological malfunction means. 

Every trait  I have is a negative trait.  “You are special,” my doctor told me. 

So my stupidity took over once again and I went to a website to take the damn test.

It said INFP, I went to another website to read the traits of it and that thing that scared the shit of me, the accuracy of the test.

Which I don't like. I don't like websites telling me that I am stupid. I know this already. It’s already established. 

Everyday when I look in the mirror, I say to myself “Hay Sexy”.

Ok not always sometimes its  “why you even alive”, actually most of the time. 

So Mr. INFP, what are you gonna do about it?

Absolutely nothing. 

.

.

.

.

End of the story. 

Time

She said we will meet again, when the time is right and I knew it’s over. 

Fragments of Thought

It doesn’t matter if you fail but not try. 

I had this thought since I was a boy but I had never understood it. 

Well, theoretically speaking I knew what it says or mean but it didnt sink in my body and mind to feel the meaning of it. 

So now I am trying , there are challenges, a lot of challenges like fear of failure, shame, guilt, rejection but I guess it’s how it is. 

I finally sent a draft of my poems, truth be told that I don’t have high hopes, because of many technical reasons. 

1- publishers got many manuscript everyday which makes it complicated as human intention span is quite limited and we are tend to be judgemental with experience, The most and biggest disasters in the world came because experienced people gave their opinions and decisions high value. 

2- Proof reading, I think over the years, quality of my English skill is downgraded  not that it was perfect before but without a proof reader to correct the manuscript , it can be challenging if publisher misunderstood what I was trying to say. 

3- I made a book cover which contains an image of my painting. I really like that painting because it tells a tale of how I feel and think . 

I shall see what the response will be otherwise I will send to other publishers. 

I want to do this for so long and I want to do this now because in my gut, time is right. 

My work on short stories is moving forward, I come up with some new ideas and write about them to see how they develop. 

A Reminder

A reminder that yesterday 28th August 2024, I encountered a girl at the harbour. I wrote a short story about it. Either I will post it here during upcoming days or add it to the my short stories book (hopefully).

B

Just Another Day

Nothing happened today. 

I did go to that pharmacy though where I met a customer service girl the other day, who was from Finland but speaks Swedish. 

I wanted to talk to her but she was engaged with another customer so her colleague attended me.  Strange thing was that after picking up my medicine, I left the pharmacy without even thinking or looking at that girl who was the sole reason I went there, to that particular pharmacy. 

I am sure it means something but I don’t know what. 

Anyways, I went to Kongens Nytorv , I was planning to go to the harbour to sit and read the book but I felt like it was far away and I supposed to go to a Danish language group around 17:30. 

So I found a bench and sat there in square to read a book called “Book Lovers” I started it the other day, I find it boring and agitating but I thought lets give it a try and see if my opinion changes. After reading 15 more pages which meant I already read more or less 135 pages of the book, I said enough is enough. 

I have never read so irritating and disengaged characters. A reader must feel something when reading a book but all I felt was this irritation building up inside me and kept asking me “why the hell I picked this book”. 

Ok, I know why I picked it because of the title but I expected it to be something else. I watched a movie called “ I want to eat your pancreas” It was a Japanese anime. 

That movie should have named “Book Lover” not this bloody book. I wrote an angry review on Goodreads too.

I went back to the library returned the book and got myself another one.

Never start a book with high hopes (my learned lesson).

Anyhow, there were only 4 people in language group, not so many came because of hot weather. Its end of August and weather is still hot, the last days of summer 2024.

I left around 18:45 because I had pain in my back and needed to rest because I was out of home since 9:00 am. Did I mention that I had spinal fusion two years ago.

On my way home, I started to read the new book called “Romantic Comedy” while sitting in bus.

Yes, I am into romantic books these days after reading “Just as you are”, Its the best book I read this year. It still keeps me thinking and living those characters. What a beautiful book. I might buy it.  

Anyhow Romantic Comedy’s start was good so I hope things will improve in upcoming chapters. 

One reason I started this blog is to journal my thoughts and see them on screen. I think it’s a good way to learn about yourself. But I also think, it will help me to improve my story telling skills which I am hoping to use in upcoming writings, short stories and poems. 

BTW that song “I can’t Change” by Sophie Zelmani, I don’t know why but I kept listening to it, such a piece.

Cheers

B

What is Love…?

A question, I find myself asking lately to most of my friends and none of the answer feels real. Both rationally and irrationally.

For some it’s sharing, caring, being there for each other.

For some it was feeling happy around each other.

For some it’s forgiving without judging and living the moment. 

For some making plans, big plans , travelling the world, kids, home, getting old together

For some, they realised it was an obsession all along. 

To me…

Well, I would  never posed the question if knew the answer. 

But I do remember there was once a tingling sensation, long time ago and it happened only once, I didn’t ask myself back than what it was. I was too stupid to know or pose such question

There was this feeling of going to be explode any moment, I wanted to explode. I wanted to hold on to that feeling. I wanted to explore what lies beyond that sensation. A supernova? A big Bang. 

Perhaps thats was a Big Bang.

Now I am thinking if i wanted to know their answer or my own. I have been trying to figure out.  Perhaps, It  was all along about me. 

I am wondering if that tingling sensation will ever return? Will there be another Big Bang?

Things happen in mysterious ways, I hope its not end of the road. 

Just A Random Thought

Rejection is not easy to digest, in the beginning, but then it becomes new normal if one being rejected so many times. 

It affects confidence but not in a way many people think. It affects in a way that one becomes unable to navigate which eventually leads to Depression (mother of most problems), once it hits, it stays there either visible or hidden behind the curtain , waiting and guess what, it has patience. It can wait but it spreads its fear which keeps it in the room forever.

In a way, It’s like alcoholism, once you are an alcoholic, you will always be either alcoholic or recovering alcoholic) There is no other term that can help you to forget about it. 

It also brings food and luxury to many like psychologists, therapists, Influencers, Motivational speakers, youtubers, bloggers, religious fanatics, yoga teacher, meditation teacher  you name it and everyone comes with a volunteer advice. 

They tell you why and then give you the solution.  People with depression try hard to get out of it (it takes everything from them). First they try to pretend that things are working out even though it's not and then breakdown, worse than the previous one. 

Why am I talking about rejection and depression? 

It's because I had a Panic attack 7 days ago. It took me 5 days to get out of my house. It happens so many times that I lost count. The moment you close to forgetting the previous one, next one shows up and that fucker hit hard. 

Writing actually helps, somehow and I don’t know why.

One thing I hate the most is when I tell someone and they say “oh, I am so sorry”.

It irritates me the most. I think it’s the sentence people use when they have nothing else to say and they feel pressured to say something. 

I prefer someone who doesn't say anything, just sit there and listen but that’s a rare quality, one needs to get lucky to have someone like this but then again rejections though its hard but it's probably the only way to find someone who listens not only the said words but unsaid too. 

A Dreamer

I am a dreamer and I have always been. I remember as a kid I used to sleep on the roof because it was too hot during summer. I watched stars and in my imagination, I was flying from one to another exploring one light source to the next one. I thought about how it would feel if it was possible for me to do that. Those tiny dots, what are they? I knew they were stars but what are Stars? 
I guess as an introvert who had no friends made me live in my imagination and the Universe was the only thing that interested me. It still does more than it was before because now I try to learn it consciously so I can dream better unconsciously

I will write more about it in coming posts because this subject interests me more than any other. That’s it for today.

A Starting Point

Writing a blog has never occurred to me, firstly because the more I read the more I realise the limitation of my knowledge in every aspect of life. I ask myself this question: what is it I should write which has never been written before. Recently I came across a book called “Just as you are”  written by Camille Kellogg, where the lead character writes a blog to bring her thoughts out which gave me an idea that why not me, do the same thing. I felt related to her because she had this existential crisis which I was and still am going through.  So that's how this blog of mine came into being. I am not sure how long I will write this but a start is a start and taking one step at a time will or perhaps lead to something.